Two years ago November 30th, my Mother left this world.
I held my heart still and quiet as the days approached,
wanting to be present, to remember whatever it was that would come to mind.
I am trying to leave my heart open,
to reach back to some moment
when my Mother and I shared something of value.
Her death was long in coming.
Her death was Hard.
Her alcoholism stains.
In the days leading up to the anniversary of her death,
I remembered that the day of her death was also the birthday
of a long ago Love.
I let that sit for some time.
Love and ……
I called my old Love to wish him well and our conversation lasted for hours.
Our friendship has stood the test of time and distance.
Our friendship lasts.
Later that day I remembered a strange conversation I had once with my mother.
She had not known my Love well.
She and I were not close.
Any conversation with my mother was an odd thing.
She did not call or return my calls.
One time she did.
Years ago I picked up the phone and it was my mother.
“I saw him today. He was in the office. I thought you would want to know that he is doing well.”
I was stunned that she even remembered him.
She went on.
“I told him thank you.”
“For what?” I asked.
“I told him thank you for helping my daughter save her life.
I told him that I was grateful to him and always would be.”
I was silent on the other end of the phone.
This Love was the Love that changed my life.
She was right.
He was the one who said to me,
“Walk away from the drugs. You are an incredible woman. Just walk away.”
How did she know this? My father knew.
Of course Daddy Knew.
Mommy heard my father say something about me.
Not only did she hear him, she remembered and it mattered.
It mattered to her that my Love had made a difference in my life;
That my life had been saved.
I remembered this conversation decades later with Love.
My mother did hear something about me.
She made note one time.
If there was one time,
Were there others?
Grief is a beast and Resentment its worst bedfellow.
I am living each moment
the two dance and wander.
I am living each moment,
for them to let go.
I have been away from here for some time.
I miss you all.
If an ad appears here please disregard. I will attend to this asap.